Trust is crucial in any relationship. This goes double for BDSM arrangements due to their specific nature. Just because BDSM relationships are about exploration and sexual expression doesn’t mean there aren’t limitations. Instead, the BDSM community has its own set of rules. If you’re interested in entering the submissive dating world, you need to know the red flags when looking for a dominant. By understanding them, you’ll be able to avoid dominants who aren’t in the BDSM world for the right reasons.
They don’t believe in a safe word
If you talk to a dom who doesn’t believe in using a safeword or ignores your safeword, run. This is someone who doesn’t respect the basics of BDSM and can cause severe damage to you. If your dom continues after you’ve said your safeword, you need to find another dominant. Of course, you should talk about it after the session, and try to figure out what happened first. However, a safeword is designed to protect the sub from acts that go beyond their personal boundaries. If your dom isn’t respecting your wishes, then they’re breaking your trust in them.
They think you need to be broken
This is one of the most common and well known red flags. Some doms have the idea that their subs need to be broken; similar to how you’d tame a wild animal. They believe in order for the sub to properly obey them, they need to break and remold their submissive entirely. This can be a huge red flag.
If your dom wants to “break you down,” and if you consent to this, they need to have a plan of how they’re going to build you back up again. The plan needs to be concrete and focus on building confidence in you. If a dom has never done this before or refuses to talk about their previous subs, then that’s a sign their experiences with breaking people down didn’t work too well.
They exclude you from the BDSM community
There’s a huge difference between being controlling and being jealous. We can all be a little jealous; however, being controlling is an entirely different thing. If your dom is trying to control you by preventing you from speaking to other people in the BDSM community, they aren’t a real dom. The BDSM community exists for like-minded people to connect and create relationships. If your dom isn’t allowing you to do that, then you need a new dom.
Prevent you from using social media
“Social Media Blocking” is a relatively new red flag, but is equally dangerous as the rest on our list. Social media blocking is when all communications (texts, Whatsapp, emails, Facebook, etc.) go through your dom. As a sub, they don’t allow you any private communication; everything needs to go through them first. This behavior is extremely controlling as they don’t want you to meet anyone else. If they’re controlling how you communicate, they’re also deciding who you communicate with. In other words, they slowly remove people from your life.
They don’t see you as a person
Regardless if you’re a dom or sub, you’re a person. It doesn’t matter if you’re roleplaying or being whipped, you’re still a human being with rights. If a dom tries to take your basic rights away from you; preventing you from speaking your opinion, then this is something you need to look into. Just because you enjoy being submissive, doesn’t mean you’re less of a person.
They don’t follow the agreed rules
Like we said before, BDSM isn’t a free-for-all; instead, it has specific rules for both subs and doms to follow. Of course, each relationship has its agreed rules as well. These rules ensure both you and your dom are on the same page. However, if your dom isn’t following the rules, then this is a red flag. The rules symbolize respect for the relationship and safety. If a dom is deciding to change the rules without your knowledge, that’s a problem. By breaking the rules, it’s clear they don’t respect you as a sub.
If you notice one of these red flags in your BDSM relationship, it doesn’t mean you need to break up right away. But it does mean you need to communicate with your partner and pay more attention to the relationship. If the red flags continue or become worse, you’ll need to decide whether or not the relationship is worth it. When looking at the red flags, listen to your gut. What is it telling you? If you have a feeling that something isn’t right, that’s because it isn’t.