Talking about your kinks and fantasies with your partner is an important part of any relationship. Enjoying each other’s kinkiest desires can grow a relationship and even bring you closer together. Being able to talk about what turns you on with your significant other is a vital part of communication as a couple. It will help you understand each other’s needs, be aware of each other’s boundaries, and make it possible for you to fulfill the fantasies that you might have. There are multiple kinks that can be explored with your partner, so to get you started, we have compiled a list of the most popular fetishes that you might want to try.
Bondage is one of the most common fetishes and there is a wide variety of BDSM equipment that can be used in the bedroom, from rope to handcuffs to restraints like spreader bars. If you haven’t tried bondage before, start somewhere simple like handcuffing your partner’s hands together and then build up what kind of things you use as you both become more and more comfortable.
Typically involved in BDSM fetishes, domination involves taking control and dominating the submissive partner through things like discipline, power play, and orgasm control. Consensual domination is pleasing for both the partner in control and the partner who is being dominated, and you can be as creative as you like with this one. Providing a “safe word” is a common way to ensure you are both thoroughly enjoying what you are doing and assures safety and the ability to feel relaxed. If you are totally new to being a dominant or dominatrix, there are lots of ways to explore how to do it.
Spanking is a fun way to liven up your sex life and is also a great addition to BDSM, bondage, and domination play. There are plenty of reasons why you should try out spanking with your partner; whether you want to give it or receive it, it is exciting for everyone who is involved.
Threesomes and Cuckolding
As well as physically involving other people in your sensual time together, this kink can be explored through dirty talk and watching porn. Whatever works for you as a couple, threesomes and cuckolding are popular fetishes that can bring a new level of adventure to your sex life. It is perfectly normal to feel a bit shy or unsure of how to approach a cuckolding fetish, so to help you become more comfortable and gain confidence with how to make fantasy become reality, check out some of these stories from Sarah and Jack.
Taking on characters and acting out fantasies as part of your sex life is a really fun way to spice things up. Dress your partner up in classic costumes and play out a scene, or simple roleplay through dirty talk and using your imaginations to create a scene.
When addressing the topic of kinks with your significant other and trying out new fetishes, having fun and respecting each other’s boundaries is an incredibly important factor to take into consideration. Discover each other’s fantasies and fetishes in a personal, intimate way that will open up ideas you may have never even thought of before.
There is a lot of information about chastity, and some of it can be quite in depth and detailed. If your partner has expressed a desire to wear a chastity device, you might find yourself a little confused. As such, we have compiled a list of FAQ’s with responses specifically geared towards the dominant, key holder, husband/wife whose partner has asked for a chastity cage. This might be a useful page to read before diving into some of the more in depth articles. It is always great to go to one of the better adult shops where you can gain personal advice.
The idea of being denied sexual delight for the benefit of satisfying you is exceptionally thrilling for your sexual partner. We all have mystery fantasies and dreams and male chastity is only one of those. Since this sexually exciting craving includes the utilization of a chastity cage or belt some of you may find it a bit unusual – and we won’t deny that. However, with time, patience and understanding and a little bit of reading, such as what is found below, you will hopefully find out why it can be arousing, why men like to be held by a chastity device and finally – how it can benefit you and your relationship.
Why Does He Find Chastity To Be Sexy?
It’s a mystery obsession that your man finds profoundly provocative, exciting and exceptionally attractive, to the point that even only a picture of a chastity gadget could bring about an erection. But why? Why does he feel the need to lock up his dick behind a cage? Many people say it’s about submission. That it is about submitting his control of his own sexual pleasure to another being. It’s also concerned with physical sensations, as well as the psyche, body, emotions and the perception of self. He will understand the idea of chastity to be a yearning, longing or even obsession.
From his point of view the appeal of the sexual fantasy is that his adoring partner (regardless of sex) holds the key to his manhood, and every one of his sexual desires. His cock becomes your own to do with what you will, to satisfy when and however you like, and you can use his sexual energy to placate your own; you say when and how he reaches climax, and you say when and how you reach climax. You control the very essence of his sexual desire and you can twist and manipulate that (within the boundaries of your relationship) to your every whim and desire.
This does not always mean that he will become submissive in the relationship, though we do acknowledge that there are elements of submission and these will manifest themselves in accordance to the boundaries of your relationship. Indeed, I have read and met many heterosexual and homosexual partners where the relationship dominant and submissive roles have not changed because of a cock cage. Indeed, one woman said that;
‘At First I Found It Quite Difficult – Our Marriage Was Certainly Male-Led And I Am By No Means A Dominant Person. However, I Quickly Learned To Use My Femininity To Take Charge Of His Sexual Pleasure. This By No Means Affected Our Primary Relationship, It Was Still A Male Led Marriage And I Was More Than Happy With That Arrangement.’ Edith
As such, you may be dominant in the sexual aspect of the relationship, but you do not necessarily have to be the dominant one overall in the relationship. Wearing a chastity device is not so much about curbing his sexual appetite or excessive masturbation – quite the opposite really. It’s an interesting contradiction. The idea is that a chastity device is meant to limit sexual pleasure in the sense that the sexual pleasure is controlled by someone else. Yet, that idea of having ones sexual pleasure being controlled is arousing to those that want to be caged. What ends up happening is that someone who is wearing a cock cage / chastity device will usually become more aroused than normal by the very nature of wearing a cock cage. In other words, a device that’s supposed to ‘limit’ arousal actually causes the very opposite to occur!
Some people look at it with a profoundly provocative perspective – that the one that who is caged will find his pleasure in satisfying and pleasuring you. At the end of the day a chastity device may cause him to be continually thinking about his key holder’s necessities over his own – whilst you can certainly manipulate the situation into having this occur; his pleasure comes after your own and the sexual release he craves will only occur once you are satisfied – it is important to remember that his caging is also about him. You are not necessarily secondary to that – but his actions, his desires are now as a result of being caged. How you utilize that creative and sexual energy is entirely up to you.
What If I’m Not Interested In Being A Key Holder?
So, if your partner has discovered the strength and courage to let you know that he’s thinking about chastity devices – don’t dismiss him, mock, or put the activity down. Remember, he has just shared something intimate with you and this communication should be encouraged. Something I’ve learned within this industry is
‘Don’t Yuck Someone’s Yum’
Just put it gently aside, say that you need time because you’re a little overwhelmed and then do your own research – make it clear that you’ll come back to him when you’re ready. Even if you are outright against the idea of a chastity cage, do some research anyway. This will indicate that you have given serious consideration to the idea, that you’re acknowledging the importance that it is to him, and will strengthen the relationship regardless.
What’s Special about it?
Chastity between an adoring couples is one of a kind, appealing and stirring. It is an uncommon closeness between you both, which you can keep a secret from the world – when he walks outside it might only be you and he that know he is under a lock and key. The sexual relationship between you both is likely to change as well – that’s not to say it will change completely but it can change in very subtle and profound ways. Taking away his sexual energy and his ability to channel that sexual energy can allow him to refocus that energy to something else. You might find that it is refocused back onto you, or maybe it will be work, family, life or even a combination of them all!
Will I Have Less Sex Now That He’s Caged?
Male Chastity is about you sharing his sexual dream and him satisfying your sexual needs. His chastity obsession is about satisfying you – however you shouldn’t necessarily take advantage of him wearing the chastity device by getting him to do the cleaning up! (Unless that’s the type of relationship you have both agreed on prior). It’s a mutual loving, caring and supportive relationship and not something that should manifest itself into physical, emotional or mental abuse.
Wearing a Chastity Device does not mean your man is sexually deficient. He can be manly, sexually capable, and appreciate wearing a chastity cage and still be virile and constantly horny. You don’t necessarily have to take charge in the bedroom either – you can still get him to make the first move. Chastity is simply about you controlling his sexual energy. When you are in the mood you can tease him using some sexy lingerie whilst he is still in chastity – what a buzz being so in control can be.
Being a key holder to your caged up man offers a satisfying sexual coexistence, in an often fun, exciting and joyous way. A way where his thoughts and pleasures are centered on you instead of his cock. Keep in mind that a lot of people believe that sexual activity must result in penetrative sex. By taking the penetration out of it (his) you can fundamentally change the sexual nature of your relationship. This implies and will ultimately demonstrate that sexual joys have a great deal less to do with the traditional PiV/PiA dichotomy than people have given attention to. Sex and sexuality, arguably has more to do with the joys of extensive foreplay, and the exploration of each other’s bodies. By taking away his act of penetration, it will allow the sexual energy to focus more towards these pursuits than anything else.
Should He Be Permitted To Cum?
Yes. How regularly this happens is dependent upon you. He will likely recommend when it ought to be and given his way then this will be all the time but it is important to remember that it is your choice and only your choice as his key holder. Don’t give in to him every time – else he’ll resent the ease of which he can achieve his sexual climax.
How Does Chastity Upgrade My Sexual Joy?
Some people find different things arousing. It’s like watching porn, or using a particular toy – at the end of the day there are, within each of us, certain things which tip us over the edge. I mentioned above that a cage will most likely increase his arousal levels – some couples report that this increased arousal makes him more attentive, more in tune with his partner. This sounds sweet – but don’t expect it. If you go into a chastity relationship with this in mind – you may end up with some very sorry expectations. However, he can learn to put your needs and pleasure over his.
In the majority of sexual cultures – sex is generally considered finished after he climaxes and ejaculates. Does this mean that you have also achieved sexual satisfaction? It can sometimes feel like you’ve been watching an awesome film together and he switches it off just before the good scenes come on.
Chastity shows him to think of you and your climaxes and pleasures. Whilst holding his key you could delicately deny him consent to ejaculate until you yourself have achieved sexual pleasure. You could even make him pleasure you multiple times before he earns his reward. He could be expected to serve his keyholder with his tongue and lips or maybe your most loved dildo, with expertise, dedication and adoration. He will inevitably turn into an exotic, fun loving individual whereby he is continually considering the sexual needs of his partner.
Why Does He Need Me To Hold His Key?
What arouses him is that his penis turns into your property. You control its opportunity. You hold the key. You are his Key holder. Chastity depends on the excitement of the psyche before the anticipation of his body. This shows us that the part of the key holder is vital to the chastity relationship. You excite his mind by holding his key which keeps him from touching his penis thus masturbation and sexual pleasure is impossible without your authorization.
When he first hands over his key, some piece of his dream is satisfied, and on the off chance that you agree to be his key holder you could wear the key around your neck – tantalizingly within view but also well beyond his reach. We’d suggest that you examine our Chastity Article about tips, tricks and safety as well. Always check that you have an extra – in the event that something goes wrong!
Male chastity in couples, regardless of the gender of the key holder, is specifically about control. Whether this control stems from jealousy, playful BDSM or a desire to be controlling and controlled, or even something else varies between couples. There are sufferers of Othello Syndrome – which is characterized as delusional, or pathological jealousy – whom have found comfort in Chastity devices whilst they undergo therapy, but it should be noted that in general, jealousy and mistrust does not constitute a chastity device and the couple need to work on their relationship before considering this type of play.
The reason is that jealousy can change the dynamic of the power relations, the key holder can often become intentionally cruel or abusive and this can create a dangerous situation for the chaste male. That’s not to say that jealousy and mistrust don’t always play some part on chastity cages, but if it is the primary aspect, then consider yourself warned. For the most part, male chastity toys are about control in some varied form of a BDSM relationship. It most often appears as a power play between a dominant and submissive, and chastity can also be used in pet play. Power control is the fundamental aspect within a master/slave, mistress/slave, and owner/property situation and that power can be demonstrated through the act of denying pleasure and inflicting pain. The infliction of pain being through the constant sexual and physical teasing/stimulation that a dominant can give their chaste male.
Have you both discussed a relationship that uses chastity devices or any kind of couples sex toys and are you both comfortable with it? You both need to have a clear discussion on what you both would like to get out of it. There is absolutely no point in doing this if one partner is driving this over the other. What this can result in is a variation of the relationship that we described above – where the dominant exceeds the boundaries of a dominant relationship and can become physically and mentally abusive in ways that are outside the realm of what was agreed upon. If one partner really wants to be dominant or submissive and the other is just not feeling it, then you need to take a step back, let each other think on it for a while before bringing it up again. Failure to do so could potentially be more harmful to the relationship as it can be seen as an indication of not acknowledging the needs of the other individual.
The second thing you both need to do is research. There are three things that you will need to research; chastity cages, the role of chastity, and D/s relationships. Even if your chastity relationship does not centeron a D/s relationship, I can guarantee that you’re going to find it a useful endeavor as it will help define the chastity relationship in helping you both understand the dynamics of the relationship, as well as the potential for it to grow. You will also need to spend a considerable amount of time researching chastity toys and a good start would be to go into an adult lifestyle centre so you can see the full range available. You need to consider several things including; material, cock size, when you’ll be wearing it, as well as how this will impact your day to day life. If your boyfriend/husband/partner drives heavy equipment all day then perhaps you could only use the chastity devices on weekends, or at home.
Alternatively a flexible and easily hidden material such as silicone will need to be used, or as he’s learning to cope with the toy he may need to be given a key. Ultimately, you will need to find a balance between pleasure and practicality and be in a position to provide accommodations when you first start . Secondly, the size of ones cock will have an impact on the actual chastity toy.
You will certainly need to consider the size of the cock ring aspect and you can do this by measuring up. Grab a piece of string, place the string around the base of a flaccid cock. Measure the length of the string and divide by 3.14. You will now have roughly the diameter of the ring that you’ll need to wear in order to wear it comfortably.
Communication should be a continual thing throughout a chastity relationship, from the moment of bringing the idea of chastity up, to the moment that the chastity device has been put on and being tested. There needs to be communication at all stages and consent from all parties involved. Before embarking on a D(ominant)/s(ubmissive) relationship – it might be a good idea to draw up a contract. In fact, we seriously recommend it and believe that no D/s relationship should begin without one. It might sound formal, it might sound silly, but what it does is that it sets up the boundaries within the relationship through negotiation and defining the relationship. The development of a D/s contract is the best way to;
– Discuss what you both want out of the relationship. This will include your needs and expectations.
– Establish Goals by setting rules, responsibilities and an understanding of each other’s limits.
– Establish your ground by knowing exactly where you stand and what is expected from you within this relationship.
– Set steps – it’s unwise to simply jump into a fully-fledged relationship without making small steps and going through different phases as you learn, grow and accept your new relationship roles.
– A contract will easily allow you to review your progress as per the goals you have set, reflect upon your growth and journey and make changes as per necessary to ensure that you’re staying true to the document.
– It ensures that your commitment is seen as official. Whilst a D/s contract is not legally binding, it is a fundamentally important tool that will help guide your relationship.
The above links offer some blank contracts which are simply a matter of copying and pasting in names, removing parts which do not apply, and adding parts which do. These are for FemDom however you can just change the genders for Male Dom. Even if you are a trained lawyer, we recommend having a look at other peoples contracts so that you can an understanding of what is required and expected of, within a contract so that you are both happy with the outcome. In essence, a contract is simply a guidance tool to the relationship, and an explanation of the rules, boundaries and limits of each party. Communication is essential in setting up a chastity relationship, and it is an essential part in reviewing the relationship and checking in to see how it’s going and whether its working for you, and if not, what changes need to be made. Without communication, without solid communication, the relationship will not work. Period.
4. Buying A Chastity Device:-
Once you’ve researched a device and you’ve both settled on one comfortably, it’s time to make your purchase and take it home. You can do this by either looking at them in understanding adult store or selecting them from online. Once you’ve gotten it home, you both need to spend some time with your new device, examining it, opening and closing it until you’re comfortable with it. You can then get him to put it on – I make the suggestion for him to put it on only because he’ll be more comfortable and understanding of his cock and balls in a way that shouldn’t necessarily cause pain. Make sure it fits well, whilst taking into consideration that he will need to pee, yet contain his erections and not allow him access to play with his cock. After he has practiced taking it on and off a few times then you should be right to give it a go.
Having a chastity toy bolted around his cock might seem pretty simple, but he will need to have a couple of days to get used to the sensation and finding new ways to move around and do certain things. For example, he might not be able to wear tight running shorts, or he may find it easier to sit down when he pees. Cocks can get uncomfortable in pants sometimes, now consider a piece of metal or some other material strapped around it. If you want to immediately jump into play – do it in small doses and do not leave him unsupervised for long periods without emergency access to a key. Start by wearing it for short periods of a time to begin with, and learning to handle the toy through every day use. Wearing it on weekends for the entire day is also a good start. Once he is comfortable wearing it for extended periods, and has grown to being able to handle it for an entire day, then you can move on to wearing it overnight. Learning to wear a cock cage overnight is one of the most difficult things to do, as he will have to learn to cope with the numerous night time erections that he gets. Once he can wear it overnight, you can then slowly expand that to a day and a night, a few days continuously and so on and so forth. Once he’s settled in and broken the device in – there should only be access granted to an emergency key under strict circumstances.
6. The Key Holder:-
As the key holder you have certain responsibilities, as does he in his confinement. You need to determine what is appropriate and what is not within the pre-established set of rules. You cannot withhold an emergency key for emergency health and safety situations, nor should you not give him access to clean himself and the toy. Indeed, cleaning is an important part of being in a chastity. At first, he will need to take it off to clean every few days, but as he grows more comfortable with the device this can extend to a weekly thorough clean. To deny him the chance to clean can result in serious health issues – whilst we’re not suggesting that he be let loose with the key during cleaning (he can be supervised), you should never deny someone this. This is the part that is about pleasure and pain.
As key holder, you not only hold the key to the device, but also any form of sexual pleasure that you wish to engage in. This is especially useful in control situations whereby you can request favors of the submissive in return for sexual release in any form that you, as the key holder, choose. Once you realize that you are the sole key of any form of sexual pleasure for him and you utilize that knowledge in creative ways – you both should be having a lot more fun! If you haven’t already it might pay to read the article on being a key holder, elsewhere on this site.